


Emotion's Chokehold

by jacinth



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Barebacking, Bipolar Disorder, Cheating, First Time Bottoming, Happy Ending, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mpreg, Stubborn Harry, Suicidal Thoughts, kind of?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-04-07 17:48:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4272390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jacinth/pseuds/jacinth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You- you're-" </p><p>"Expecting? Up the duff? Knocked up? Got a bun in the oven? In the family way? In the pudding club? With child-"</p><p>"Yeah, that."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Emotion's Chokehold

**Author's Note:**

> So the bad news is, my computer erased my fics and I cried for a week.
> 
> The good news is, I've begun rewriting my lost chapters! I'm hoping to update King + Cross first.
> 
> This story is a bit different from my usual thing so, hope you like it!
> 
> Sorry for any mistakes.

**Then**.

Harry felt himself vibrating with icy jealousy and hot rage. He was unsure if he wanted to cry or kill. He'd thought Louis different. Someone who would never hurt him, someone who cared. He had never been more wrong, it seemed.

"You let him fuck you." Harry said in a monotone voice.

"You don't own me." Louis snapped back, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at him defiantly.

Nausea was mixing more and more with the white hot boiling rage.

"Never said I did." Harry scowled. "But you could have clued me in that this-" he waved a hand between them, "meant fuck all to you so I could've had the choice not to allow myself to become involved with someone like you."

Louis bristled. "Someone like me?"

"A cold hearted, deceitful slut." Harry uttered low and icy, cruelly. If he had known. _Oh if he had known_ , he could have saved himself this mess. It was the main reason he had chosen to stay alone. "You're the same as all the others, the very fucking reason I tried to stay away from you. But you seduced me, you-" Harry was going to throw up. "Leave. _Now._ "

Louis swallowed, understanding now, the impact of what he had done. "Harry. I didn't know-"

"Get. The. Fuck. Out!!! You disgust me!" Harry shouted, his breath hitching. He was so angry with himself. When Louis didn't move, Harry reached for the nearest thing to him which happened to be a lamp and threw it, shocking Louis into motion.

"No. You've had your say, now it's my turn!" Louis growled as he scratched at the scruff on his face. "You never gave any indication this meant anything to you either-"

"Fuck you! I-"

"SHUT. Your fucking mouth and let me speak!" Louis shouted at him, blue eyes blazing. "You never said you wanted more either so dont you fucking dare lay all this on me. Do you honestly believe I'm despicable enough to cheat?! I didn't know! If I had I wouldn't have looked twice at the bloke!"

"Bullshit! I don't own you! Remember!?"

"That's not how I meant it!"

Harry ripped at his long curls, his body vibrating with emotion. "There's no other way to mean it!"

"You bitch." Louis shook his head. "You're not going to listen so why should I bother." He picked up his coat and headed for the door. "Goodbye, Harry."

"Good! Go! You arsehole! You're just proving me right!" Harry cried. He was on the verge of collapse now. His body and mind couldn't take the rush of emotions after so many years of forced numbness. Thank you, Louis Tomlinson.

As he turned to face the wall, it all became too much. He screamed. His throat burning and raw as he fell to his knees. If this was love, if this was what being human was all about, he wanted no part of it. He wished he had never met Louis. Wished he had been left to the darkness that had been his life since he was sixteen. Letting someone in wasn't worth it. It was nothing but an invitation for pain. And it made him want to die.

Something brushed his side but he was too busy trying to claw his way back into the shell he had spent the last five years in to react. Then his hair was being brushed from his face and something scratchy rubbed against his cheek.

"I didn't know. I swear I didn't" Louis' voice was gentle now as he spoke directly into his ear. "I thought this was casual, you didn't tell me otherwise. Please forgive me Hazza, I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Why did you have to start this? Why couldn't you have just stayed my friend?" Harry asked, voice cracked and raw.

"I-"

"Why am I good enough to fuck but never good enough to love?"

Louis gripped Harry's face and turned it so he was forced to look at him. "Oh, Harry. I'm so, so sorry if I made you feel that way."

"S'okay. You weren't the first."

Squeezing his eyes shut, Louis had to bite his tongue to keep from speaking in frustration. He needed to fix this.

Harry jerked as Louis' mouth brushed his, the smaller man's hands gentle, thumb caressing his cheek. After a moment Harry let himself to kiss back, allowing Louis to have control - something he wasn't quite used to but found he didn't mind it at all. Then he wondered how many other men Louis had kissed this way and the cold seeped back in.

Harry grabbed Louis by the tops of the arms and pushed. "No." He choked, pulling away and falling on his bum as he scrambled away. "I don't want someone else's sloppy seconds!" He snarled cruelly, hoping Louis would take offense and leave.

Louis smiled coldly. "Fine." He crawled towards Harry and shoved him onto the carpet. This wasn't right. Louis should be leaving in a huff. Not... not this.

Harry pushed at Louis' shoulders but the smaller man was stronger than he looked, pinning his wrists to the carpet. Louis settled between his thighs and began kissing and nipping at his throat, sucking a bruise into the skin while he unbuttoned Harry's shirt.

"Stop..." Harry said without much conviction. He wasn't used to this. He was used to being the one in control. No one had ever bothered to touch him like this.

"Hush." Louis whispered as he kissed his way down Harry's stomach, scruff tickling his skin. He began biting at the skin over Harry's hipbones. "Just let me love you."

Harry's mouth opened to argue, to make a snarky reply, but all that came out was a moan. Louis smirked into his skin and started undoing his jeans.

"Lift up." He hummed, tugging them down when Harry complied after a moment of contemplation. When Harry was free of his ridiculously tight pants, Louis pressed a kiss to his knee, then another to his thigh.

Harry shuddered, still not quite sure what to make of it all. He bit his lip to prevent a horribly embarrassing noise from escaping when he felt Louis' tongue tracing the crease where his thigh and pubic bone met. The sensation caused shivers, and goosebumps to erupt over every inch of his skin.

Satisfied with the reaction he'd wrung from the curly haired boy, Louis sucked the patch of skin just beneath Harry's hipbone and smiled when he arched wildly as though he'd been electrocuted. It told him that no one had ever bothered to explore this delectable body before, which was a horrible shame. Although, Louis detested the thought of anyone else touching Harry this way.

 _Oh_.

Harry blinked when Louis was suddenly above him, eyes soft and filled with an emotion Harry had never seen directed at him. "What-"

Louis interrupted by licking into his mouth, carding his fingers through his long curls almost... lovingly before he laid a kiss on his forehead.

Harry was utterly confused.

Louis pulled away then and stood, reaching for his hand to pull him up.

"C'mon luv." Louis murmured softly. "You deserve better than the floor.

Brows furrowed, Harry moved to stand as well. Louis pushed up onto his tiptoes to give him a peck and lead him to the bedroom.

Before Harry could ask any questions he was pushed face first into the duvet. Jesus. The little mouthpiece was strong.

He opened his mouth to voice this but Louis was spreading him and licking a stripe from his perineum to his tailbone. He gasped, heat exploding through him like nothing he'd ever felt.

Louis kissed the dimples above his bum and continued licking, moaning at the taste that was pure Harry.

Harry quivered and squirmed as Louis nipped and sucked at his hole, pressing his tongue inside and fucking him with it. He had always wondered... he whimpered when Louis used the flat of his tongue to lick slow and hard, alternating between circling his hole and sucking at his rim.

"Mm.. Lou..." Harry was leaking against the sheets now and harder than he'd ever been. He knew Louis was just as turned on because his breath was coming in pants against the wetted skin of his entrance.

"Fuck me." Harry begged, unable to hold out any longer. The heat inside him was reaching a boiling point. He had never felt the need to be fucked before, never felt that ache, but now it was all he could think about, all his body craved.

"Roll over. Wanna see you luv." Louis moaned. Shivering, Harry obeyed and Louis moaned at the sight of him: hair falling like a thick curtain in front of his glazed emerald eyes, those lovely plump lips bitten a delicious cherry red, cheeks pink with arousal. God. He should have done this before.

"Lube?"

"Drawer." Harry rasped, pushing his damp curls off his forehead. Louis quickly grabbed it and crawled between Harry's legs, connecting their mouths and letting the taller man taste himself as he slicked his fingers.

Harry wriggled when he felt a finger at his opening. "Lou..." he said uncertainly, not quite sure how he felt about the slight burn. It was... strange.

Louis paused with one finger inside. Harry was oh so tight. "You're a virgin." He breathed in disbelief. Harry nodded slowly.

"Uhm. Yeah. N-Never trusted anyone enough t-to..."

Fuck!! Since when was he the one on his back and stuttering?

"I'll take care of you," Louis promised, leaning down to kiss him as he began moving his finger in and out slowly. "How does it feel?"

...Odd? Pointless? Burny? "Strange."

Louis smirked. "Hmm..." He crooked his finger. Harry's back arched and he nearly bit through his lip to keep in a surprised cry of pleasure. "How 'bout now?"

Harry blinked at him almost uncomprehendingly; eyes bright, cheeks flushed. Louis had never seen a more beautiful sight.

"More." He panted, dropping his head back onto the pillow and sucking his bottom lip into his mouth as Louis continued making a come-hither motion. When Harry was whining and writhing, he added a second finger and bent to lick at the stretched entrance.

Harry bucked. "Oh!"

What was this. Was this.. what losing control felt like? It was so... intimate. Harry couldn't help but wonder about all those boys he had taken home. All those strangers. How could they do something so intimate with someone they didn't know enough to trust? Harry couldn't begin to fathom their reasoning. Louis' reasoning.

Suddenly that sickening jealousy was burning through his veins again. "Is this what he did for you?" He growled around another jolt of pleasure.

"Harry..."  Louis warned.

"No. Louis! How would you feel if I let someone else touch me this way?" He laughed humorlessly. "Don't answer that. You wouldn't give a shit. Shouldn't have flattered mys-!"

"Never," Louis interrupted, his fingers fucking into him hard. "Never let anyone see you like this again."

Harry's eyes rolled and rapidly shook his head as pleasure he had never known before crashed down upon him like waves. "D-Don't tell me what to do!"

He felt Louis' teeth sinking into his thigh as the fingers suddenly disappeared. The bottle of lube squelched and then Louis was back in his face, their noses nearly touching as his thighs were hiked up around the smaller man's waist.

"I said," Louis panted and lined his cock up. "Never." He snapped his hips forward, earning a groan from Harry as he turned his face to the side.

While Louis allowed his lover to adjust, he brushed a few curls aside and pressed his lips to Harry's shell-like ear. "You aren't the only possessive one in this relationship, luv."

"What relationship?" Harry panted and turned to glare into passion darkened eyes. "And you don't own me." He repeated the earlier words, wanting Louis to realize the implications and how much they stung.

Louis growled and pulled out slowly until only the tip of his cock remained. "You bloody stubborn bastard." He hissed, pushing back in just as slow. "Let me put it like this. Today we begin our relationship, fresh and aware that it is in fact, a relationship."

Harry's mouth tightened and he turned away again, refusing to let Louis make the rules.

Louis huffed in frustration and bit Harry's earlobe. "Stubborn." He growled and thrust again, setting up a slow, hard pace. Squeezing his eyes closed, Harry could do nothing but spread his legs and take it. But oh fuck,  it was good. The steady slick slide and drag against his inner walls, the throbbing stretch as Louis pistoned his cock in and out, making Harry arch into each thrust deliciously.

Curious, Harry reached down between them to trace his stretched rim, the sensation sending an extra zing of pleasure through him. Louis hissed when fingers brushed his cock just as he was pulling out. The look of pure pleasure mixed with an almost childlike curiosity on Harry's face had him shuddering with need.

Harry's moans were smothered when he found himself with a mouthful of Louis' tongue and his leg lifted over the shorter man's shoulder so he was able to strike deeper.

The sound of their skin slapping filled the room and it made Harry want to spread his legs further. He was falling in love with the sensation of being pounded, and feeling.. owned. He dug his fingers into Louis' sweat damp hair and kissed him hungrily, needing to ground himself somehow, needing to know who was doing this to him. His hole throbbed with fullness, with need for more.

Harry clawed at Louis' back as he nipped at Harry's swollen lips, the sting only adding to the pleasure for both of them.

"Harreeeh." Louis whimpered, his thrusts growing erratic now as sweat slicked them both.

"Fuck, fuck!" Harry moaned, biting his lip. He reached down to hold himself even more open for Louis, the wet sounds making him feel so dirty and so sexy.

"Come inside me," he begged raggedly. So, so Goddamn close himself, feeling it build with each slam of Louis' hips.

"Oh God," Louis choked and reached down to grip Harry's cock, pulling once, twice before he felt the contractions around his own cock, milking him as he spilled everything he had into his lover.

Throwing his head back, Harry couldn't stop the guttural noises that fell from his lips as his orgasm fanned through him like flames, his cock spurting between them, his insides contracting in pleasure. Louis just kept fucking him hard, whining into the column of his throat, his hands gripping Harry's hips so tight he had no doubt there would be bruising.

"Fuck..." Louis gasped, collapsing on top of him.

As Harry began coming down from his high, that awful coldness settled back in his bones, making his stomach twist again. "You can go back to your other boy now."

He felt Louis shifting quickly atop him and suddenly a sting was radiating through the side of his face, leaving him reeling.

"Shut up!" Louis snapped, voice low and cracked from his orgasm. "What do I have to do or say to make you understand it's you I want?!"

Harry had been slapped before. He'd had a lot worse. But there was just something about being slapped by the person who had just fucked your brains out that made it hurt more than just physically. It was like having that trust spat on and thrown back to you mangled.

Before he could stop them, tears were spilling as he clutched his stinging cheek, his chest constricting as he fought hyperventilation. From the corner of his blurry vision he saw Louis' face fall with realization.

"Oh god. Har-"

Not wanting to hear it, Harry kicked out of the sheets and struggled out of the bed, landing on his knees in his effort to get away.

Fucking Goddamn. When had he become such a sniveling bitch?

"Harry, _Harry!_ " Louis sounded terrified and desperate as he scrambled across the bed and landed on the floor beside Harry. "I-I-I'm sorry! I shouldn't have hit you. Fuck! I-"

"Get away!" Harry cried, pulling his knees to his chest. "I don't want this!" He shouted brokenly, " _I don't want this_!"

He didn't. It was too hard. It hurt too much. He longed for the quiet loneliness he had endured before Louis had moved in across the hall, longed for the peaceful numbness that came with being alone. Anything was better than these awful emotions. The bad always seemed to outweigh the good and he would rather die than feel this way for one more second.

"Harry, baby, look at me." Louis begged, crawling to sit on his knees in front of him. "What can I do? Please tell me what to do to make this better."

"Kill me." Harry said numbly. "End this... awful ache."

Louis gasped welty, his voice thick with tears when he spoke again. "You....you don't mean that,"

"Don't I? Before you came along I was... I had made peace with my aloneness, I accepted it. I was protected and numb and it was... more tolerable than everything I've felt in the last two days. I want to go back.... forget this hurt, forget you."

"Don't say that..please don't say that. I love you." Louis whispered, crawling closer. "please..I would never make you hurt on purpose. I-I thought you weren't interested in anything besides sex. I can't change my mistake but I would if it were possible. I'm all yours. Harry. All of me. Please don't let this ruin us. I love you."

Closing his eyes Harry shook his head before looking Louis in the eye. "You know what the kicker is? I loved you too."

"Harry," Louis sniffled, coming even closer until he was almost in the other man's lap. "Harry please give me another chance. I'll do anything."

"You gonna slap me again of I say no?"

Louis let out a hitched sob, and leaned forward to lay a tender kiss on Harry's reddened cheek. "I shouldn't have done that, it's just... please don't act like he meant anything."

"How... can you let some random stranger ...inside you? I-I can't.... understand. It's so intimate." Harry's mouth twitched. "But like you said, I don't own you. And we aren't together so I have no say in what... or who you do."

Louis' shoulders shook as more tears fell. "Does... does this m-mean-"

"It means goodbye, Louis."

"Harry... n-no." Louis begged in desperation."Please. _Please_."

Harry sniffled, his nose wrinkling as rubbed it. He turned his head away, stubbornly keeping his gaze on the wall. "I have nothing left to say to you."

He ignored the hopeless whimper that fell from Louis as he stood slowly and began gathering his clothing. Louis paused at the door, looking back at the crumpled heap he had reduced Harry to, knowing deep down he deserved this rejection.

"I'll wait for you."

"Don't bother."

¤

 **Now**.

Harry raised a brow when two small giggles rang out from behind the sofa, followed by a "shh!"

"Well I guess I'm all alone," he sighed. "And I get all daddy's biscuits to mysel-OOF!"

Harry fell flat on his back, the weight of an eight year old landing on his gut knocking the wind out of him as two more of the little monsters followed. "I surrender! I surrender!"

"Oh, you're not giving in that easily are you?" An amused voice floated from the kitchen around a few chewing noises.

"Oi! You try being mauled by three children after sweets!"

"Delicate condition!" His half hidden husband hummed, "Next time you're carrying. I think three is my limit... for at least five years anyway. My body will never snap back."

Harry looked at his eldest son, River, the biggest shock of his life, and the best. "My body still hasn't recovered from this big lug."

"Oi!" River growled, flicking his brown curls from his hazel eyes.

"It's been eight years, Harry. I've been pregnant twice. Currently in middle of number three thank you very much. While you have carried all of once."

"You're just... so much luckier than I am, dear."

"My arse-eh-foot."

Harry snorted at his husband's attempt at not cursing in front of the kids. Nearly ten years and he still hasn't mastered it yet. Harry suspected he never would. "Feed these little beasts please, they're crushing major organs."

A scoff. "Try it from the inside."

Harry thought back to when he was carrying River, he had kicked like Beckham and Harry still hadn't been over the shock of being pregnant. "I remember quite well, thanks."

He supposed he wouldn't mind being pregnant again, at least this time the shock wouldn't send him batty.

He thought back to that day.

He and Louis hadn't spoken in over three months and he had been sick for weeks. He was absolutely positive he had a stomach bug that he just couldn't shake.

Then one morning he found he couldn't zip his pants and examined himself in the mirror thinking he couldn't have possibly gained that much weight. Sure he had been devouring chocolate like no there was no tomorrow but, it was stress eating.

"What the fuck...." He had whispered, poking at the slight protrusion of his gut that he hadn't noticed. He had spent nearly an hour doing gymnastics in front of the mirror in order to look at himself from every angle. It just didn't make sense.

After that he worked himself into a panic after convincing himself it was a tumor and booked an appointment.

The next day he lay on the table stunned as he stared at the ultrasound screen.

Louis had knocked him up.

 _Him_ , all black wearing, moody, emo music loving, sometimes suicidal, manic depressive recluse, Harry Styles, was pregnant. What?!!

After the initial crippling shock and _'get this fucking thing out of me_ ' phases had worn off, Harry found he was... happy? Perhaps that was the wrong way to put it, he had felt like he had a reason to keep living.

For the next three months, Harry spent all his time researching male pregnancy (finding out it was rare but not unheard of and that some men carried the gene, able to get pregnant as easily as a woman and some carried it but it was dormant, needing a special shot of hormones to activate it - it wasn't hard to guess which he was) buying baby things, going out of his way to avoid Louis, dealing with his mum who was equally excited for him, and equally angry, constantly after him for the name of the father so she could smash him for hurting _her_ baby.

One heinously hot day in August when Harry had been six months along, in the middle of a wicked moodswing, and shouting at the repairman after he'd been told how much it would cost to fix the sink, he'd almost barrelled Louis over in the hall.

¤

 **Then**.

"Wha-Harr-"

"You fucking cocksucker! Come back here!" Harry shouted as the repairman was hastily running away from his bitch fit.

"Harry?" Louis said quietly, shifting nervously.

Harry whirled around and barked out a "What?!" Forgetting why he had been avoiding Louis in the first place.

Louis opened his mouth to speak, then his gaze fell to Harry's stomach. Harry wasn't especially big, he was tall and lanky and his belly was rounded enough to make it obvious he was pregnant, though it could be easily hidden with large clothes.

Unfortunately, that wasn't an option in this heat. So here he stood barefoot, in little yellow shorts and a white t-shirt with his hair pulled up in a bun, angrier than a wet cat.

"You- you're-" Louis stuttered, his face paling by the second.

"Expecting? Up the duff? Knocked up? Got a bun in the oven? In the family way? In the pudding club? With child-"

Louis made a pained noise in the back of his throat. "Yeah, that."

" _Duuuuuh_!" Harry shouted in his face and shoved at him, stomping past and back to his flat.

"Harreh!" Louis growled, Donny accent thickening in anger. "Bring your arse back here with my child!"

Lips thinning, Harry whipped around. "My child." He corrected icily, "He doesn't need a cheating, abusive scag for a father!"

"Harry, I love you more than anything but so help me, I will drag your ass to court so goddamn fast- wait, it's a boy?"

"Yeah." Harry shifted from foot to foot. "You love me?"

Louis sighed in exasperation, "I told you this a million times but you never listen! I do! I love you so much it's like being underwater when I'm away from you... but, it was what you wanted."

Harry's eyes narrowed and his nostrils flared. "You're just saying that coz you want to get your hands on my son. But let me me tell you-"

Louis rolled his eyes so hard it actually hurt before he lunged forward, wrapping his hand around the back of Harry's neck and pulling him down so that their lips could meet. He poured all of his feelings for this stubborn, pigheaded man into the kiss.

Harry moaned as that familiar ache began building between his thighs - damn hormones. Fuck. It took all of his willpower to push Louis away, and to not pull him back when he saw the hurt in the smaller man's eyes.

"I can't Lou." He said quietly. "I can't afford any more pain."

Louis looked at him sadly, pleadingly."You're so sure I'm going to hurt you that you're going to deprive yourself of the love you deserve, and our son of his father."

Harry was silent, crossing his arms. Louis didn't understand, he thought it was so easy, like tying your shoes or riding a bike, but when it all came crashing down, it would be Harry left wanting to stay underwater when he took a bath, it would be Harry staring at his pills longingly, knowing exactly how many it would take to make it all go away.

Something nudged Harry's arm making him look down and smile and remember that he couldn't afford those kinds of thoughts anymore.

"S'kicking, in'ee." Louis gasped quietly and Harry eyed him silently. "Harry for god's sake... please." He plead, on the verge of tears.

Still, Harry was quiet, a small crease forming between his eyes as he watched Louis' shoulders shake, the dam threatening to break.

"Go on then," Harry mumbled finally, nodding to his stomach. Louis' face lit up then, eyes shining with unshed tears as he closed the space between them, hand hovering until Harry took it gently and placed it just under his left ribs, just in time for another kick.

Louis smiled brightly, a wet sounding laugh falling from his lips as he felt it, eyes brimming with happy tears now.

"We'll share custody." Harry told him, knowing there was no way he could hurt Louis by not allowing him to see their son, it would be cruel.

Smile falling, Louis pressed closer again. "Harry, don't do this. I love you so much, please let me prove it. I'll never ever do anything to hurt you again. I haven't been with anyone since that night with you-"

"What do you want, a cupcake?" Harry snapped, backing up. "I.... sleep with whoever you want, Lou. I don't own you."

"But you do!" Louis cried out, voice broken as the tears came unabashed."You own every part of me, my heart, my soul, my love..."

Harry's fists balled up at his sides, his self control barely clinging by a thread.

"...my _body_." Louis breathed. "All of me."

Clenching his jaw, Harry shook his head. "I'll work out a schedule for when the baby comes. If you have a problem with it, i'll see you in court."

Before he could close the door, Louis stuck out his foot and pushed his way inside. "I'm not letting you get away from me again."

"Lou-" he backed away, his body responding to the proximity, to the memory of Louis inside him... he couldn't do this. But Louis just kept coming closer.

"Harry," he mewled softly into his ear. The sound was more than Harry could take and he lunged forward, crashing their mouths together. He could blame it on hormones. Or he could admit that he still loved Louis, that no one else would ever make him feel this way.

 

 

"There's something I need to tell you," Harry confessed later that night as they lied covered in sweat after the best sex anyones probably had ever.

Louis stopped tracing circles on his lovers beautifully rounded belly, the satisfied throbbing in his ass dulling a bit with worry.

"Alright."

Harry fidgeted, thankful that they weren't together so Louis leaving wouldn't hurt as much... who was he kidding?

"I... I have.... i'm crazy."

Okay. That was hideously ungraceful. But it sort of got his point across... well, not really.

Louis blinked, confusion written all over his small face. "You what?"

"That... came out wrong." Harry sighed. "I'm bipolar."

"Oh." Louis exhaled in relief. "Don't worry me like that."

"You don't care?"

"Not in the way you thought I would," Louis kissed him softly. "I love you, Harry. I don't think I'd care if you were Hannibal Lecter."

Harry found his lips twitching in a smile."If I'm Hannibal, does that make you Clarice?"

"Nope. That Will Graham bloke is cuter. All those curls." Louis teased, eyelashes tickling Harry's cheek. "Also, don't call yourself names, luv. There's nothing wrong with you, you're perfect."

Harry snorted. "Doesn't feel like it when I want to swallow a bottle of pills."

Louis gasped. "Oh-"

"Hasn't happened it a while. My meds do their job, just sometimes, if things get to me, I have moments where I would do anything to stop it."

Scrambling onto his knees, Louis took Harry's face between his hands. "Please. Please tell me I never caused you to consider..... i'll never forgive myself."

"Of course not, Lou." He lied, looking away. He refused to lay that kind of guilt on Louis, it was one of the reasons he hadn't wanted to tell him about it. Louis' body sagged and his blue eyes filled with agony.

"You're lying to me."

"Of course i'm lying to you!" Harry squeezed his eyes closed. "I... it's not your fault Lou, I'm just.... not right".

Louis laid backed down, pressing a kiss to Harry's wild hair. "Don't say that."

"I only speak the truth." He muttered. And then continued before Louis could say anything else.

"You know, when I first found out..." he gestured to his stomach. "I was terrified my meds would harm him, and at the same time, terrified of being trapped in my mind without them. But I knew if it were necessary, I'd do it. Even after the doctor told me I still had to take them but in different doses, I worried and stressed, doing as much research as possible. Then I felt like a horrible parent because I'm not even normal enough to give my child a clean body to live in "

It was quiet for a moment then he heard Louis sniffle and he looked over in time to see him wiping away tears. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone - I wish to God you'd come to me."

"Anger isn't an easy emotion for me, Lou. And I know I was being irrational. I know we weren't official when... I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I was stupid, and I knew when I was doing it that it was a mistake, but I thought you only wanted sex and it hurt. I regretted it before it was over and when you saw him leaving my flat-"

Hearing Louis talk about it had Harry's jealousy boiling and anger returning. He realized then that he still hadn't let it go. He wanted to hit something.

"Doesn't matter, I guess we're even now."

Blue eyes snapped to his. "What?"

"The week after our fight... I went out. And..."

Louis tensed.

"I went home with a bloke I met."

The look of anger that pinched Louis' face soothed Harry's own. It wasn't healthy. Louis sat up quickly and looked from his face to his stomach and Harry nearly laughed as he realized what was going through the smaller man's head.

He scratched his nose. "I topped. Don't worry."

Louis didn't look appeased by the news. His hands clenched in the blankets, knuckles going white; he looked ready to throw a fit. Harry waited for the explosion but it never came.

Suddenly, Louis deflated. "Fuck. Harry, I'm so, so sorry."

What?

Louis flicked his hair from his eyes and moved closer, clutching Harry's hand.

"For a moment, I felt nothing but utter rage, and I wanted to....tear something apart, and then it hit me and I understand how you felt."

Harry's brows knit together. "Do you?"

"Harry," Louis leaned down and rested his cheek on Harry's belly. "I love you. I've loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you. And if you allow it, I swear, it will always be only you."

Turning his head to the side, Harry pinched at his bottom lip. He wanted to let go of the hurt and anger. Louis technically hadn't cheated on him, he knew that. But the thought...

Could he let the love of his life slip through his fingers over it? Despite the lingering hurt and the sting of betrayal he felt, he knew it would be foolish to throw away a chance at true happiness, to deprive his, their, son of his other father.

If only he could forgive and forget.

But, sadly, Harry knew that if he tried to pretend all was forgiven, it would fester and he didn't even want to think of how it would seep through the cracks.

"Harry please say something." Louis begged.

"I want... I want to be with you..." Harry began cautiously.

Louis' blue eyes were watery. "But?"

"But. I'm angry and hurt, and I know I don't have the right, but it's not just going to go away because I know that it's irrational. I can't bring these feelings into a relationship, Lou. It'll destroy us for certain."

More tears spilled down Louis' cheeks. "I-I'm sor-"

Harry shook his head harshly and ripped at his hair. "Don't. I know, Lou, I know you are." He whispered gently. "I accept that, but, it's not doing anything to ease any of it. I'm sorry my brain won't allow me to let it go, I want to."

Sniffling, Louis wiped his face and swallowed thickly. "I'll do anything. Please don't send me away."

Harry reached out and caressed his cheek, catching a few stray tears. "I won't. But, Lou, I need time. This," he waved a hand at the bed, "can't happen again."

Louis' expression was shattered. "Hazza, please-"

"I want you in my life." Harry continued, rubbing his belly. "In our lives. Can you... can you just... be my friend again?"

The smaller man looked heartbroken and was visibly trying to keep from sobbing, but he nodded, giving Harry a smile.

Harry hated hurting Louis but it was better than lying about his feelings and having his repressed emotions turn to resentment and tear them apart.He prayed that he would be able to work past it.

 

In the end, it had taken two years and Harry realizing how much he was hurting Louis for things to finally come to a head. More than once he had just considered telling Louis to move on, but the idea of losing him was worse than losing a limb.

One night after they had put River to bed, Harry had gone to Louis, dropping to his knees at the shorter man's feet and wrapping his arms around his waist. When Louis had pulled away, he'd been terrified of rejection, not that he would have blamed Louis.

But Louis hadn't turned him away, dropping to the floor with a hitched breath and a " _Finally_." before crushing their lips together.

They didn't speak that night, quietly stripping one another and falling onto Harry's bed. After two years of need, and tension, and carefully avoided prolonged physical contact, it was the most passionate night either men had ever experienced. Harry had claimed Louis as his own that night, making him come over and over until their bodies eventually gave out.

Louis proposed the following morning with a ring he'd been carrying since before River had been born.

¤

 **Now**.

Harry watched his pregnant husband move around the kitchen with a biscuit between his teeth as he lifted fresh ones onto a plate - years ago he would have burned down the entire block if he'd tried to bake.

"You should sit down, darling." Harry hummed, coming up behind him and resting his chin on the shorter man's shoulder, hands caressing his stomach.

Louis turned his head towards him and Harry pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose. "M'pregnant, not dying. Besides, I'm an old hand at it by now."

"Don't make me carry you to the sofa..." Harry warned.

He felt Louis shiver in his arms. It wasn't much of a threat, then.

"Are they ready yet!?" Alice's bell like voice interrupted loudly from the doorway. Louis huffed, but smiled fondly and held out a cooled biscuit.

Alice skipped forward and happily took it from him, remembering her thank-yous. River and Violet followed immediately. As they rushed out like a pack of baby wolves, Louis smiled up at Harry and held one up to his lips. Harry made sure his tongue brushed his husband's finger, pulling a little gasp from him.

Whomever said the fire goes out in a marriage after so many years lied. Either that or they weren't married to the sexiest like imp in existence. The thought made Harry smile. Louis was his, just as he had belonged to the other man since the first time their eyes had met.

"Kiss me," Louis sighed.

Harry obliged.

**Author's Note:**

> For anyone wondering, Louis falls into the "hormone shots" group.
> 
> When I refer to "he's had worse." after Louis slaps Harry, I didn't elaborate but I picture a teenage Harry getting into fights constantly and that's how they find out about his disorder. I know I only mentioned Anne once but I picture her as a perpetually worried mother in this because of Harry cutting himself off from everyone. 
> 
> Let me know what you thought!


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